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Mike
Posts:1
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| 02/13/2010 3:08 PM |
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| Just finished the For Men Only book and found it helpful. I have given a copy of For Women Only to my girlfriend.
I am looking for some advice to help with something now specifically covered in the book.
My girlfiend and I have both been married once before. My marriage was a mutual split. Her's on the other hand involved a abusive relationship (both physical and emotional).
The problem we are running into is there are times when nothing I say or do can get her to believe that she is the most loving, caring, beautiful person I know and that I love her for who she is as unconditionalally as one can. Her ex for years made her feel wothless, ugly and stupid. She tries to push me away saying that I am too good for someone as damaged and worthless as her, and that I don't need to be here for her and care for her the way I do.
The last time this happened. (last night the 12 Feb 2010) I spent 3 hours holding her and trying to to calm her down by telling her that I want to be with her and I Love her no matter what has happened.
Any advice? I truely want to spend the rest of my life with this amazing women. How can I help her see that she is a special and beautiful person.
Thank You
Michael |
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JoeMS
Posts:38
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| 02/16/2010 11:17 PM |
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Hi Mike,
It is probably providential that I logged on this evening. I am in a serious dating relationship with someone who is very similar. We've been together for quite a few years. It will probably take years, especially if she was also abused as a child.
I can't tell you how many times she asked me why I love her. Interestingly it seems that incidents when I've cared for her when she was sick seemed to have the greatest impact--cleaning up after she vomited, etc. It isn't pretty but it is life--that's reality! She rightly might be suspicious of what you say and do when you are being romantic. The flow of romance-related brain chemicals will loosen the tongue of most guys.
Also we are devout Christians and so I can explain my view of life and love to her. It is my way of life to be caring. I fortunately also came from a caring family and have many stories to tell her, most of which are quite foreign to her.
I remind her that she has become my best friend so it is a no brainier that I want to invest myself in her. Remind her how she makes your life better, more fulfilled and how she helps you to grow. There will be many opportunities for you to thank her, especially when she has helped you to grow as a person.
The veteran married couples are probably ready to puke after listening to these descriptions of the honeymoon phase of a relationship  |
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**Jes :-)
Posts:131
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| 05/23/2010 3:53 PM |
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| isn't that something that tends to bring out the differences of women and men? i have never been abused physically or emotionally, but i had desires when i was younger that were not really met and to this day(after many years, and forgivness)it still seems to hold a scar. and like we all no scars will fade but don't completely vanish. and i think for me as a female if i would get abused it would scar my emotions to a point were i would feel unworthy cuz to a girl if a guy says something that hurts...it stays with you!! so if you get run down emotionally for a long time it would be like picking at a wound that is so deep already and it would take a LONG time to heal that. even tho you may show all the love to her that you possibliy could. my $0.02 worth |
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Abby Berry
Posts:4
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| 05/24/2010 5:11 PM |
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| I know this reply comes a few months late, but I hope it's still helpful. The truth is, all you can really do is continue to do what you have been doing. I have some things in common with your girlfriend, and often have the feelings of unworthiness and unloveablitly. I have been working on these issues for years, and there is no quick cure or easy fix. She has to work this out for herself, and the best thing that you can do is not lose patience with her and continue to support her. I'm sure in the end, the happiness that you two can find together will be well worth it. :-) |
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