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Marieka
Posts:1
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| 01/06/2009 8:37 AM |
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I'm newly engaged and going to be married in 3 months. Although my fiancee is wonderful, I seem to find so many issues for us to work on. Of course, as a woman, this makes sense. But the latest thing I've been struggling with is the fact that I need him so much - I crave quality alone time with him, I get excited to see him, and he is my life. He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have the same need. He doesn't need me like I need him. He doesn't mind quality alone time, but I typically have to initiate it, and it doesn't seem to matter to him whether we're alone or with other people. He gets excited about his interests, such as fishing, hunting, and hockey, but doesn't seem to get excited about spending time with me. He tells me over and over that he loves me, but doesn't generally specify why.
Is this something others have dealt with? I'm thinking that it probably is relatively general to men - that women need their men and usually display this need with intensity and passion, but men have less of a sense of urgency or intensity towards spending time, etc. with their significant other. And, maybe he has trouble articulating how he does feel about me. I just tend to feel somewhat lonely in the relationship because my feelings toward are so intense, and his back don't seem to be. This being said, he has the most integrity of any man I've ever met, and I know for certain he loves me, but sometimes I wish I knew why, specifically, or that he really wanted to be with me because I'm me.
Any wisdom? |
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marc
Posts:5
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| 01/06/2009 11:40 PM |
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Take this for what it is, it's my opinion and probably don't mean much, but it's not that he doesnt want to spend quailty time with you, he does, we guys often take needy as being pushy, I myself love to play golf, but when she calls me two hours in to a four hour round of golf, we guys often put up a defensive shield, my advise let him have his time apart from you, as like wise you should have things to do with your friends also, time does make the heart grow founder!
Don't push him away, use reverse physcology on him, if he thinks you don't need him, he will start being like a puppy trying to please his owner.
It has to be a happy median for the both of you, if you work at making each other happy, and wont him to do things that make him happy, he will wont to make sure that your needs are taken care of as well.
JMHO! Hope this helps  |
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boughtw/blood
Posts:10
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| 01/29/2009 2:10 PM |
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| Have you guys tried any pre-marital counseling? I've been told many times how much of a difference this can make in a relationship. Air out your feelings and discuss your different needs with one another. |
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Princess
Posts:11
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| 01/29/2009 7:12 PM |
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Marieka,
I completely understand. 10 years into marriage, I still feel less important to DH than all of his "hobbies." Maybe he uses those to "decompress" to be refreshed for you. My question would be, has this lack of need changed since you became "serious" or engaged? Perhaps he is struggling because he feels he has "caught" you. Maybe he is concerned that after marriage, he will be tied to your side and is trying to get as much "male time" in as possible.
Maybe men are just men. It takes more for women to feel connected (time, conversation, sharing feelings) and less for men (I think they mainly get that connection through sex.) I am a woman, so my opinion may not count much in this matter. Mainly wanted to let you know that others (at least one other) struggles with the same thing.
The one thing I have learned about this is don't criticize him or the other activities. It will drive him further away from you, rather than closer to you. Maybe go to a hockey game with him - if you don't know the game, he can educate you about it. Helps with respect, there.
Marc's advise sounds pretty good to me. |
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iknowiam
Posts:7
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| 02/03/2009 1:59 PM |
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men need time in empty space. they can usually get that by themselves or with other guys. it is essential too survive for us men. think of it this way, women have wires in there brains and men have boxes, for men to take about something, they have to close a box and open another one. women have wires and connect everywhere. this makes them great as mutli-taskers. MEN DO HAVE A EMPTY BOX! and a important factor is that for them to release axious habits and be calm, to function they have to be in there empty box often. As a women what does that for you is to talk it out. I heard a conversation of women, and they just talked away, and they said awwww... and afterward the one woman says, man i feel better.... what happened? nothing,.... to a mans eyes that wouldnt help all that much... so allow him his space... because he is more enjoyable when he has his empty box time... you function the opposite... you need someone there to talk...
if you want to see him more, dont criticize him, encourage, build and restore his spirit... that is your job, cause the world criticises and destroys a man (and womans) spirit. |
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Princess
Posts:11
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| 02/04/2009 5:24 PM |
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Marieka,
I just finished a chapter in a book that may help you with this - it was Love and Respect (I can't remember the author right now). Basically, men need shoulder to shoulder time (sounds like what all these wise men were telling you), where women need face to face. Try hanging out with him on the couch, watching the shows he likes to watch. Just sit with him. DON'T TALK!! Women don't get this, but the author swears it's true. Somehow, this being "with" another person helps men bond. Women need to talk, but men don't. Maybe he is searching for bonding time that you are not currently able to give him because of your natural needs. Try this and see if it helps. |
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