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Esco
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| 12/18/2008 12:11 AM |
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after reading FMO, I have learned how to think when solving the puzzle. I have learned how to listen in a way that I can, as a man, apply what I do as a man, which is solving problems. Now show me how to talk to her, in a way that she will be able to hear me. I want the conversations we have to be recieved and fruitful.
Do you have the decoder ring for proactively talking to her, yet? |
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Dave
Posts:5
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| 12/18/2008 1:35 PM |
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Here's what I've learned, with the help of a counselor, and the FMO book.
There's an exercise called "active listening". It goes like this: (I'll use person A and B - where either could be husband or wife)
A: Is now a good time to talk about (name issue)?
B: No, how about at (date, time).
or
B: Yes, what's up?
A uses three or 4 sentences to describe an issue. Good: "When ___ happens, I feel ____ ."
Not recommended: "When you ____, it made me ____ "
B replies "mirrors" - basically a paraphrase: "So you feel ____ because ___ happened"
B then says "Is that right?"
B then asks "Is there more?" (This takes guts to ask if you're a guy, but it does work!)
If there is more, "A" gives another 3-4 sentences, B 'mirrors', and asks "Is that right?", and "Is there more?" until there is no more.
B then summarizes: "So when ___, ___ and ___ happen, you feel __, ____ and ___"
B then says "This makes sense to you because ___ " or "If I was in your shoes, I too would ____"
B then says "I imagine you'd feel ____" - and try to come up with 3 feelings at least.
Now, it's only fair that A and B take turns, and now B gets to express their "side", if there even is a "side", and A should "mirror", "summarize", explain how it's rational, and come up with 3 feelings.
By letting her hear her feelings and her rational come from your mouth, you are solving the problem - unless, as Jeff said in his book, it's technical in nature - which is no time for "How do you feel about the breaker popping?" - just reset it for her. You don't even have to say "I agree", or "You're right" - work hard on memorizing "If I was in your shoes, I'd feel the same way" and be prepared to say what those feelings are.
It's working for me. Hope it works for you too, man! |
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Doug
Posts:4
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| 02/23/2009 8:48 PM |
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| good info. Dave one of the most effective tools in conversation. when you i feel. is a good way to relpace blame so noone feels they are being attacked, no matter what u put. when u mess up i feel i am doing something wrong. lol now although i said u mess up i blamed me for it lol. another way is to just come out n say it. don't "beat around the bush". women need to feel respected to and if you aren't afraid of talking to them like an equal then they will respond like an equal. but if you try to tell her something in a round about way she may feel you don't take her seriously and then feelings get hurt and anger pops up its ugly head. anger comes from pain. take out pain eleminate anger. this is what i have discovered in my personal day to day life. good luck! |
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lostinmarriage
Posts:7
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| 03/25/2009 7:53 PM |
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have you ever called customer service, and found that they relly understood your inqueary? i've been a customer service rep for 16years if youreally want to talk toyour wife, its simple (don't laugh)
ask clarifying questions.... "so when you went to check in at the hotel the reservation was i my name and they gave you a hard time, AThat must have been so frusterating i am so sorry i wasent there to help" "that relly stinks that some one treadted you like that you dont deservie that, Have i ever made you feel that way?"
Wow honey you have had a busy day and have gone through alot and you did a great job on the house... Thank you for all the smaqll things you do that make my life easier.... or show her appreation in non verbal ways....eg, do the dishes, vaccume, hang up your towel, take the dirty cloths to the laundry room for her and start loand and hey even throw it in the dryer. small things speak to tous in such a loud way!!
We dont always want a solution to our problem we want a listener and a shoulder to lean on even if for 5 minuets. and hear what bothered her and even though as hard as it is try using the "verbage" she uses when talken to her, an you will see how she will understan you more, and the flood gates of communicationwill open! |
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