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Healingfromhurt
Posts:13
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| 05/15/2009 2:44 AM |
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| OK...I understand that men are visual and that they are wired to notice attractive women. As a wife, how do you handle your emotions when you see your husband is attracted to another woman? I feel hurt and I begin to feel inadequate because I'm not as attractive as the women he's looking at. I know he loves me, but it's difficult for me to shake these feelings of hurt and inadequacy. So, my self-esteem takes a beating, almost to the point of affecting my marriage.
So, what goes on in your head when/if you notice your husband checking out another woman? Do you just ignore it and accept that that's the way things are with men? Do you just have amazing self-esteem that it doesn't bother you? If you do, how did you build your self-esteem up to that point? Do you just focus on the fact that your husband loves you for who you are and that's what's important?
I've prayed to God to help me deal with my hurt and to protect my feelings (as Shaunti wrote in FWO), but so far, I'm still waiting for God to work in this area of my life. So, what do I do in the meantime while I'm waiting for God's perfect timing?
Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences, comments and advice! |
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Travis
Posts:38
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| 05/16/2009 11:49 AM |
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I know your looking for wives' opinions, but let me say just one thing. First of all, I am a guy, I am not married, and I just got out of a healthy (in most peoples' eyes, not in god's eyes) relationship because God called us out of it.
One thing I've learned is that God can change our hearts, but sometimes he has already done that and it hasn't taken affect because we don't recognize God's love in it, or his grace. We have to find our fulfillment in God.
Since you are married, your husband should continue to make an effort to not look at women (in an appealing way). You can't judge who's attractive to him and who's not. So, you can't assume that women that look more appealing (in your eyes) than you, are women that he's looking at and thinking that.
Do you just focus on the fact that your husband loves you for who you are and that's what's important?
I would say yes to this. He loves you because you are attractive to him and most important, he loves you for who you are. He doesn't know those other women.
I hope this helps.
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Healingfromhurt
Posts:13
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| 05/17/2009 1:52 AM |
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| Thanks Travis. It's always helpful to hear a man's perspective too! |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/09/2009 8:53 AM |
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| I wish someone had an answer for this because I feel the same way as HealingfromHurt feels. My husband & I have talked about it, & get this...he said that "yes, sometimes your tastes change" (referring to taste in prefered physical appearance). As an example he said it's the same as when my taste in house decor changed from country to contemporary. He also said "people always want what they can't have". His example for this one was wanting a newer, better car. I use to feel like I was his "Dream Girl". How can I ever feel this way again when I know deep down that I don't look like his new "taste" looks??? |
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heather
Posts:6
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| 06/20/2009 12:21 PM |
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I too am healing from hurt. You are not alone. I too feel inadequate when my man is "visual". I am hurt by this daily. I feel unattractive, unloved and insignificant. I have enough self-esteem in the other aspects of my life, but not in the relationship.
My man also tells me about it, in an attempt to be "intimate". To him it is not just merely an observation as Shaunti's book suggests. He imagines "what it would be like to have sex with her" including my 18 year-old daughter, my 14 year-old neice, his ex-girlfriends and the attractive woman he sees at Home Depot. In his mind he thinks about touching the parts of her he likes. He says it is only "thinking" and he wouldn't act on it. I know this is true, but it doesn't help. I need to trust his though life is in the right place for me.
The only thing Shaunti suggests is prayer. It's not working for me, yet. She also says to be supportive. I could possibly support him if I knew he was struggling with it. He is not struggling with his thought life, I am. I just can't support this, no matter how hard I try. I have to give up too much of my SELF to be with him, including my self-esteem.
I have no suggestions for you. Please reply if you find any resources to help with this issue. Just know you are not alone and I am praying we both learn to deal with this.
By the way, I am no longer with this man. |
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Travis
Posts:38
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| 06/21/2009 2:57 PM |
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2 Corinthians 10:5-6
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete."
This is what your men should know. This is straight from the bible. After reading what Heather said, I got really furious at the fact that it seems like some guys out there think its okay to "think" about those things. Its another thing to act on it. BULL.
Matthew 5:27-28
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
This is another piece of scripture that every man/husband/boyfriend should have memorized. And he SHOULD be obedient to this command.
The only thing I can say for you women who are hurt from these things is, I am sorry. I am sorry for my actions and for their actions. Please find it in your heart to forgive them, and to find fulfillment and joy that we have Jesus Christ in us. That when God looks down at us, he sees His Son.
Another thing i know for sure, everything in this world, even your husbands and boyfriends, will let you down. They cannot love like the Father. God will never let you down. I hope you can find peace in that.
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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LadywithaB
Posts:4
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| 06/22/2009 12:30 AM |
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| I just sent this as a "comment" before I signed up to be a member...
"My husband and I read FWO/FMO books together, and enjoyed learning about what makes each of us tick, but I have an issue about part of "For Women Only" You say that all men are visual, and that even the "decent" guys fantasize when they see a pretty woman...Etc. Well, where does that leave us then? After reading that chapter, I feel like I can't go anywhere with my husband because EVERYWHERE there are woman dressed in almost nothing and just the grocery store has nearly naked women on magazine covers at the check outs!! My husband says that he only has eyes for me, but according to your research, he shouldn't be able to control that. He'll come home from work and say that he was imagining me in some little outfit that I don't own, and I think, "OK, where did he see that one??" I KNOW that he isn't into porn or "girly" magazines, but who needs that now a days with TV and the check out stand!! I just don't feel secure anymore about his thoughts about the "competition". I don't know which is the truth, him, or your research?? I'm aware of it more than ever and wish I hadn't read that chapter at all. I feel hopeless and helpless about it. It's like "thats how it is and there's nothing you or he can do about it, so just deal with it." Calling it "Normal" is giving it a right to be there. Jesus had a different story about a man's eyes, (The lamp of the body, and also, iif they cause you to sin, pluck them out) I don't think He'd call it normal. We women need to feel like there is hope that our guy CAN control himself and NOT look, or think about looking etc. We NEED to know that it IS possible, not that it's normal, so get used to it. Do you have any research about that? It would really help me a lot. Thank you."
It's good to know I'm not alone in this struggle. My husband has been very sweet and makes a consious effort to NOT look, or look away if there is even the slightest hint of "visualization" but for me, it feels like there is no where to look away anymore! People go grocery shopping in a bikini top! Whats the difference in a bra and a bikini?? A bra has more coverage!! My husband and I are going to a wedding in Puerto Rico in Sept. and I don't know what to expect; hot tropical island, beaches, mostly naked girls EVERYWHERE! What can I do?? I trust my husband not to cheat on me, but this visual thing ticks me off because it's everywhere!
Travis- Thank you for your insight! Whether you pratice what you preach or not, it's good "Word" that we really need to hear in order to have hope! |
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Travis
Posts:38
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| 06/22/2009 12:38 AM |
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I do practice what I preach. Not enough though. I would say that sexual purity is the hardest thing for men to get to.
"We women need to feel like there is hope that our guy CAN control himself and NOT look, or think about looking etc. We NEED to know that it IS possible, not that it's normal, so get used to it. Do you have any research about that?"
The only other book I know that has helped out tremendously is "Every Young Man's Battle." Its not just for young men. Its for men who are young in staying sexually pure. If you want hope, have your husband read it. And then you read it as well. Help him. Trust him. We all fail, and we usually fail more than once, but eventually we will overcome it, depending on how obedient and disciplined we are.
Does that help? |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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LadywithaB
Posts:4
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| 06/22/2009 12:59 AM |
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Thanks Travis,
I'll look up that book.
This whole thing makes me want to pull away from him because thinking about it all makes me nausious and I don't want the ideas of his possible "ideas" to hurt me. I know that's the LAST thing I should do. AHHHH
I'm so blessed to have a husband that is sensitive to my struggles!
Past relationships have been not so good (they hid their addiction to porn, but I always found it.) It's hard to trust my husband after those guys, and reading that "they can't help it" just made me angry. No, furious!
Thanks again Travis for the insight and encouragement!
"Help him. Trust him."
I'm sure my husband would thank you also for that advice..=) |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/22/2009 1:22 AM |
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THANKS TRAVIS & GOD BLESS YA' LADYWITHAB, for sharing! I'm considering cosmetic surgery to be like the women my husband turns his head for. For about 18 years we didn't communicate. When I told him I wanted a divorce because of the lack of communication, he started communicating. I needed this from him & he gave it to me. Since he has told me that his tastes have changed (physical appearances), I don't want him to have to DREAM about those things. I want to BE his dream girl. I don't like being 2nd best. He tries to make me feel that I'm what he wants, but when other women are around that don't "look like me", I feel 2nd best. I'm not what he would "dream" about. I want to be that again. Is his taste going to "change back" to me someday? Someday may not ever come. He changed for me (communicating with me...which it way more important for me that for him). I want to change for him if that's what it takes.
PS I also feel like Ladywithab as far as being disgusted to think that "it's normal" for our men to look around & dream. Can't they be satisfied with the gift (us) that God gave them? |
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heather
Posts:6
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| 06/22/2009 6:05 AM |
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Oh Tiffany, please don't get cosmetic surgery. You are beautiful just as you are, inside and out. It says in FWO even if you were a bikini model his thoughts would still be the same. Cosmetic surgery won't change anything!
I was nauseated when my guy tried to explain to me the way men think. I was physically ill. I spent a week leaning over the toilet at the thought of him obsessing about other women. He told me that no matter who I dated, they would think about having sex with attractive women (including my daughter). I accused him of putting "poison" in my head. I felt as if the world were a horrible, negative place that I did not want to be a part of. One night I went for a walk and saw two girls on their bikes, laughing and having a good time. I immediately thought "If my man were with me now, he would be undressing them in his head". I was choking on the poision he had fed me. It consumed me for weeks. Time has helped a little. I am still struggling to find an antidote. I have to believe there are some men out there that aren't like this. Otherwise, there is little hope for us to feel confident in our relationships.
It was helpful to hear Shaunti's version of this. Not quite so hurtful.
To ladywithaB:
It sounds as if your man is a good example of the men in FMO, chapter 7 who choose to honor their wives and treat them as they should be treated. He doesn't want to hurt you, so he stops himself from doing so. He may just come by this naturally, as I hope some men do. Feel blessed by the fact that he doesn't "show" you these hurtful truths.
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Lee
Posts:0
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| 06/22/2009 8:31 AM |
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| I have to admit to liking what my eyes behold, but my wife of 45 years is the one I save myself for, in everyway. When I am with her, I hold her hand as we cross the Wal-Mart parking lot, I avoid overt oggling and divert my attention to her and her alone. If you are sensitive to his eyes, let him know. Perhaps he can do as I do. |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/22/2009 8:44 AM |
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Lee, your wife is lucky to have you & thanks for your encouraging thoughts!
I'd sure like to hear from some women who can answer Healingfromhurts original ?...How does it not bother you when your man's head is turned by women that are shaped nothing like you??? |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/22/2009 8:48 AM |
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| Lee, you said "when I am with her, I hold her hand, etc."...What about when she's not with you. Truthfully, do you still look away & not imagine? |
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Travis
Posts:38
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| 06/22/2009 2:44 PM |
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I posted this in another forum post, and I think this may have some insight.
One thing I am learning right now, is that this "physical look" is behaving in a worldy way. As in, its not about looking the best for him so that his eyes are on you. God doesn't change for us. We love Him because He loves us. I think for anyone who is reading this need to understand discipline. And more specific, men need to discipline themselves to were we have eyes for our wives. Not based off of how our wilves look, but because husbands are married to them. And wives need to understand that its not about looking like the perfect women for him. Have confidence in who you are, and what God has blessed you with. I hope I don't sound harsh, I'm trying not to be.
This will take time to learn. I'm learning right now, and I'm not even married...or have a gf...ha.
Please let me know if this helps, and if this makes since.
p.s. I edited this from a different audience, so it might sound off. |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Travis
Posts:38
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| 06/22/2009 2:47 PM |
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p.s.s Men can help what they look at and what they think. They have to take the initiative and take the necessary steps into disciplining themselves.
p.s.s.s I think it does come naturally for men to think these bad thoughts. We live in a awful world. We have to step out of naturally, and not rely on our selves. We have to ask God to change us, and we need to start changing. Naturally we are bad. |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Lee
Posts:0
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| 06/23/2009 8:27 AM |
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I posted some place else this little story. During a trip to the big city, my wife and I had lunch at a Perkins Restaurant. We were sat at a table near the center of the room, I was in a chair facing the row of booths under the windows. As we waited for our order two young ladies were seated in a booth just to the right of my line of sight. The one sitting So that I saw her face had a whole lot of décolletage showing. After a moment of struggle, I asked my wife to change places with me, when she asked why I explained that I wanted to avoid temptation and have eyes only for her. We switched. Afterward I asked her how that made her feel. She said that she was pleased that I wanted to look at her and her alone and she was glad to help me avoid the temptation. As I said, I like what my eyes behold, but I have choices.
I do not have to be as careful when I am away from the wife, but I do not wish to embarrass these nice looking women either, so I avoid staring. And I discipline my mind. |
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newsbys
Posts:2
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| 06/24/2009 12:25 PM |
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Sorry this is so long...
I think a lot of this might be healed if you ladies read or listen to Jeff’s book For Men Only. Then encourage your husband to read or listen to it.
In the early part of FMO, Jeff tells men that we women have a basic insecurity that we feel all of the time. Basically, we must be constantly reassured of our man’s love for us. We have to feel secure in it. Maybe the reason you are hurting so much from the idea of your man's roving eye is because we all have this basic insecurity and the thought of the roving eye is feeding the insecurity. Encourage your men to read Jeff’s book, or as I did, get your man to listen to it on CD. If your man loves you, he will begin to see that the roving eye is hurting you so much because you feel insecure. And guess what? Men think it is weird that we feel insecure. They are even a bit sickened by the thought that after all of their hard work to provide financial security for us, we were really craving emotional security all of the time. Jeff gives the men many specific ideas on how to help us with our insecurity problem. So see there is misunderstanding on the part of both genders.
Also, I think you are experiencing what I call the "death of naive trust" that all of us had in our men. Even thought we see it happen to others everyday, we somehow don’t ever think our man could possibly cheat on us, even if it is mental cheating. The fact is that men are human, just like us. The Devil goes roaming like a lion for whom he can devour (Job 2:1-2). Sin is always looking for an opportunity to strike. Our men can be tempted by sins, just like us. For them they also have a horrible weakness of this roving eye that they have to overcome daily. The "have to look" is a leftover from primitive times when they were hunters. They had to be tuned into signs of game. They are not hunters now, but the instincts still remain. That is what Shanti is trying to help us understand. They are hardwired this way, but MOST DON’T WANT TO BE THIS WAY! They want to honor and love us.
We have to do our part to support them in their fight against sin. And we don’t do this by nagging them or making rules about what they can or can’t look at. First we can all start to dress modestly (can still be stylish) to help not tempt other men. In another thread a women said she dressed sexy on purpose and went to Home Depot to get attention. Ladies! Let’s not add to the problem!
Next, we can understand that our men have this weakness and we can try and help by PRAYING for them daily. Pray like Hosea in Hosea 2:6. Pray a hedge of protection around your husband. It works.
My husband was actually completely unfaithful several years ago and I know exactly how it feels for your naive trust to die. You feel like vomiting every time you think about it. But most men are not trying to be unfaithful. The ones who are indulging in lusting after the products of their hardwiring are sinning biblically and are beginning on the slippery slope towards full-out sin. But they are probably not doing this because you are not attractive, or even because you look less attractive, or different than the women they see on the street. (Jeff’s book also tells men about how we are always assuming we are unattractive and how to help us overcome this.) By the way the other woman my husband was involved with was NOT better looking than me, NOT thinner, NOT more talented. But she was providing something I wasn’t. No, NOT sex, she was giving him RESPECT, AFFIRMATION and ATTENTION. He was craving that those things. Sound familiar? Yep, those are the things Shanti talks about in the other chapters of FWO. I understand now that because I was devoting more time and energy to family, ministry and career I didn’t see what I was doing wrong until it was almost too late. I could have avoided the crisis earlier if I understood that he needed those things as much and sometimes more than my love. I don't excuse his weakness, or his sin, but I can now understand my role in the crisis and how to avoid it in the future. Thanks to Shanti's study, the power of prayer and the leading of the Holy Spirit, I now understand what happened and why.
So, if your men are truly on the slippery slope of sin, they are probably there NOT because of the way you look, but because they are lacking some other important thing from you. If you would let go of the preoccupation with this roving eye thing and focus on the other concepts Shanti is presenting, I bet you would begin to see an improvement in your man's behavior overall, and eventually in this area of concern as well. If you begin to PRAY and ask God for understanding and patience, and the knowledge to help understand and aid your man in his handling of the roving eye, I GUARANTEE you will see improvement.
If your man is on the slippery slope, or already well on his way down it, God can restore your relationship. My husband and I are proof of this. Prayer is power.
If you want more details or are in crisis, I would love to talk to you more about my experiences.
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newsbys
Posts:2
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| 06/24/2009 12:32 PM |
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| Probably need to clarify that last thing - By offering to give more details on my personal experiences, I don't mean gossip. That's a big no no in marriage restoration. But I would be willing to share scriptures and examples of things that worked, didn't work. |
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Tiffany
Posts:29
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| 06/24/2009 4:28 PM |
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| Thanks to all of you (above) for sharing! You all said things that are helping me understand all of this. I also realized that having cosmetic surgery to fill my husband's desire to "Always Want What He Can't Have" is actually contirbuting to porn bacause it emphasizes the idea that looks are the most important thing, & even if I give him the new look that he "wants", he'll then want more than that...he'll still want what he can't have & that's leading him down the wrong path. |
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