Julie Fidler
Posts:158
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| 06/12/2008 10:52 PM |
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Hey guys (and girls)!
I'm curious to know which revelation(s) came as the biggest surprise to you, and why. 
-Julie |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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GCS
Posts:1
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| 06/16/2008 8:49 PM |
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| Understanding that men equate love to respect. In fact, respect was more important than love. I have been married 15 years - seperated for 9 mnths. A huge lesson I wish i would have learned earlier in life. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:158
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| 06/16/2008 11:32 PM |
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It's never too late. I will pray that God restores your marriage.
This book brought my own marriage back from the brink, so I know it's possible.
-Julie |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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songbirdal
Posts:1
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| 07/02/2008 1:53 AM |
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| I just finished the book FWO and the one thing that really surprised me is the great and pervasive degree of inadequacy that men say they feel constantly and continuously. I just could not imagine having to walk around every day feeling like this. It made me feel quite a bit more sensitive to my boyfriend's need for admiration. Great book! |
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tajitianmoon
Posts:3
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| 08/17/2008 6:54 PM |
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| I was surprised at how great the struggle is with lust. I think I may be overly-sensitive, but it was very difficult for me to read that chapter. I was very very sad - hurt actually. The thought of my husband watching another woman and imagining anything about her makes me sick to my stomach. I am struggling with accepting this - somehow I still don't think this should happen! I don't see why God would wire a man to do those things... when it hurts that much or could cause so many problems. |
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judydiana
Posts:3
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| 08/22/2008 7:45 PM |
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Tajitianmoon
I share your thoughts and feelings on this subject, but I DEFINATELY dont believe that God made men this way but that it is a result of the fall, and the fact that Satan wants men to go this way.
God has given men (and women) instructions on this, that they shouldnt lust and to me that means not to look for more than a second or two, and it is possible. My husband, does this all the time and would never stare at another women, especially if she is dressed provocatively.He deliberately looks away and I am so grateful to have a man like this.
Like you, I hate to think that he would want to stare, and maybe think about other women in this way, (as I have absolutely no interested in other men in that way),but it is maybe something that men have to battle in this life especially with the way some women dress which definately doesnt help matters at all. My husband has always been like this and very strict about it, so it isnt something that I have 'made' him do or anything.(we are both in our early 50's and have only been married for 3 years)
If God tells us to do something ie dont lust, then He will always have a way of enabling us not to do it.
God wants husbands to be happy with their wives,and the more that they allow themselves to stare and think about other women, the more harm it could potentially do to their relationship.We arent supposed to allow our eyes to look at anything we want them to otherwise that would mean that we dont have self control at all. yes, we all fail but with Gods help,we get up and begin again.
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Angela
Posts:1
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| 10/16/2008 11:54 AM |
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| This is the most depressing book I have ever read. I have been married for nine years and my husbands use of pornography has been a constant source of turmoil. I've always felt that if he ever got a real understanding of how much it hurt both of us we could work through it. I am so sick and tired of hearing and reading how men are "hardwired" that way. It is just an excuse to get by with it. That is even our pastors favorite line. It makes me sick to my stomach with disgust. I understand that men are more visual than women are in general. How would they feel if their wife was having affairs with several men and everybody told them women are just hardwired that way. It has nothing to do with you she can't help it.. This book will probably end up in my fireplace. |
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Lee
Posts:0
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| 11/05/2008 8:15 AM |
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| I don't understand why women just don't get it. The fact that men have this "visual Rolodex" shouldn't be a surprise. That it makes XX's sick makes me wonder??? Its a fact. Get over it. Most of us guys find ways to overcome this issue.
I posted this story on another forum.
My wife and I were at a Perkins having lunch in the big city. They sat us at a table, more or less in the center of the room. I was facing the booths under the window. Two young ladies were escorted to one of the booths, just to the right of us. The girl I could see was displaying a great amount of her décolletage and I found I could not help but look, try as I might. So, I asked my wife to change places with me. She asked why and I told her. She changed places with me. I asked her how that made her feel. She told me she felt honored because I wanted to be with her, see her and not be distracted by such a display. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:158
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| 11/11/2008 7:26 PM |
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I think it's more than a little disturbing that you take the attitude of "get over it." For a lot of women, this is new, painful information. Just because it's a fact of life for YOU, doesn't mean women don't feel hurt by it. And just because it's a fact of life for you doesn't mean women naturally understand this about you.
Julie 
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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bookgirl64
Posts:2
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| 11/12/2008 1:49 AM |
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| It revealed the importance of asking myself that important question before becoming involved with someone and investing my time and emotional energy: Does this man have the strenght of character that I can admire for the rest of my life? Respect is earned and I find it difficult to deal with the information that we as women need to just "be supportive." Yet, part of me wonders if the right man meets my emotional and companionship needs, would I be less resentful of doing the 'Respect" thing? |
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averycha
Posts:2
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| 11/14/2008 9:23 AM |
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| I agree with you 100% |
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averycha
Posts:2
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| 11/14/2008 9:26 AM |
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Sorry for my last post.
Meant to say I agree with tajitianmoon 100%.
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vc_carrillo
Posts:1
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| 12/07/2008 9:55 AM |
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I too am having a hard time dealing with the chapter of lust for men. My husband and I have been married for a little over two years, and are expecting a second child this coming march. I've always had self esteem issues, and even now I am in remission from an eating disorder (all while Im pregnant)
. After reading the chapter I've come to feel even that much more hurt by the idea that my husband is wired to look at other women. I know full heartedly that he doesn't stare for long periods of time, and that he has always been faithful to me. Still, there are times, especially after I read the chapter that I have noticed glances and turns from him. It could possibly be my low self esteem and past disorder that is making it hard for me to accept the "hard wired" theory. Even still my stomach turns and my heart burns when I think , "he just glanced at that beautiful woman across the street". So many questions come to my mind after looking at the surveys in the book. For examle, why is it the majority of men could notice a very attractive female in a train station and not help but glance or stare; but when it comes to their wives getting very nicely dressed for a night out they just get a quick ,"you look fine" and nothig more? Why do men lust more on women they do not share their lives with, than they do with their own wives?
My husband tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves my body. But it still hurts, and I get lumps in my throat when I think about it, and when I notice it. I've been praying to God to make a stronger more loving wife, but this one issue has been extremely difficult for me. I'm constanty thinking, whats wrong with me? And why am I not enough? Please, if there are other wives out there who feel the same or have, some advice would help. I know it was stated that it has nothing to do with the wives husbands love. But I cant help but think thats to hard to grasp. Thanks and sorry for such a long post. God Bless
veronica |
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lazarus
Posts:1
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| 12/14/2008 8:37 PM |
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Judydiana and others,
With respect, I think you are missing the point of the book. Do you want to base your interactions with us males on how we actually think, or on how you feel we *ought* to think? One of the things preventing me from being open and honest with the women in my life is the fear (certainty?) that I will be classified as an unprincipled pig if I admit to being tempted by pornography. Trust me. A judgemental attitude is not helpful.
Perhaps the reason scripture gives us instructions about dealing with lust is because our creator knows that at least half of us are going to have a problem with it.
Thankfully, there are positive approaches that a wife can take to actually support her husband in dealing with sexual temptations that are common to most men. And I thank Shaunti for breaking ground on the topic. I understand that you (and Tajitianmoon) are dealing with some new information and having difficulty in processing it. I just hope that you land in a place where you can compassionately support your man in the temptations he faces. Isn't that what you want from him? |
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marc
Posts:5
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| 12/31/2008 9:50 AM |
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One of the first things I learned, that I still need to "chase" that she wants and needs this, I took that forgranted and see what women need this to feel loved and secure was very eye opening!
Reassurance every day that I actually love her, even though I tell her I love her I need to show her in the little things and actions I do for her. I now know that I have to reassure her every day to give her the security she needs. |
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mike206
Posts:1
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| 01/07/2009 2:48 PM |
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| Could it be the result of Ms. Feldhahn's study is to help women understand that men struggle with lustful inclinations and that women need to note this and work at making themselves the woman that her husband will lust after the most and always...are you keeping yourselves up, working on your self-esteem, dressing appropriately, but also provacatively enough to keep your husbands lusting after you! Are you taking time to find him sexually desirable, initiating sex/love making sessions, setting yourselves up as the woman he is always thinking of? I would be interested in hearing from Ms. Feldhahn to see if I am reading the purpose of her book? |
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vema
Posts:1
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| 01/13/2009 11:01 PM |
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My husband is a good man - he trusts God, he works hard, and he provides for me much more than I need materially. But he is very easily distracted by other women... on tv, in real life. It doesn't take much. And I trust him absolutely to stay faithful in a technical sense, but it hurts me when I see him scoping someone else out repeatedly, esp when he never gives me that same amount of attention.
Even if FWO is right, and all men really are made that way (or are that way because of original sin - I'm more inclined to believe the latter), does that mean they should just allowed to be that way and women should happily accept and not feel hurt? I don't see how that's possible and why God would want to put His daughters in that kind of position. It hurts me, it really does. Least not because I am actually quite nice looking and other ppl scope me out all the time, but never my husband. (In response to mike206 - I don't really agree with your suggestion that it's the woman's responsibility to curb her husband's lust but for the record, I am very slim, I work out, I dress well and by most measures am plenty attractive.)
Every other day I wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me, and I am so tired of feeling this way. Does Shaunti have any part of her book for men that tells men they have a part to play in this too? |
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sheemt
Posts:4
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| 01/14/2009 10:54 AM |
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| I see this new information as a way to use this to my advantage!! I went to Home Depot last night by myself, I purposely put on my high heels I was wearing at work instead of sneakers! Girls, If you ever want to get a Self Esteem Bost! Try That!!! We are independent Women, inspite of being married or taken. I was that other Women the Men were Looking at and they Could Hear Me Coming Down the Isle and they All Looked in My Direction AND I LOVE IT, IF IT WAS ONLY FOR 5 MINUTES, I GOT THE ATTENTION I NEEDED!!! I also made a point of wearing my High Heels in the house and I let my Husband know that I went to Home Depot, just to make him wonder!!! |
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wferretto
Posts:1
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| 01/15/2009 2:15 AM |
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| I have been reading FMO. I just bought last night and I am just about finished with it. I think as all men we took the "I do" as the end. I myself stopped "pursuing" my wife. I used do all kinds of things before we were married. My wife has recently decided that she wanted to take a "break" from our marriage. She has told me time and again that it was because of nothing that I did. I made it a point to compliment her each and every day. That was one thing that my father told me to do and I never failed in telling her just how beautiful she is, how intelligent she is and that I love her. Even now when we do talk, I tell her how much I love her and that I am not going anywhere. I asked her if she has felt emotionally secure with me. She told me that she has always felt that she did. So that is a plus. I just could not believe that women could have so many things going on in their heads. That amazed me. Thank you so much for this book. It has brought so much insite into the mind of my wife. So thank you..... |
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sheemt
Posts:4
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| 01/15/2009 10:43 AM |
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| WE'RE NOT ALL BUBBLEHEADS YOU KNOW!!! We have to Multitask and Look Good!! It takes me 3 hours to get ready for work!!! We take care of everyone we love, JUST LIKE YOU!!! |
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