Shaunti Feldhahn

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Subject: Ex's
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BeauchampUser is Offline

Posts:4
06/12/2009 2:24 PM  
I've read and enjoyed "For Men Only" several times.  I'm wondering, though, whether any of its ideas and approaches might apply to a relationship that has been actually terminated, rather than just "in trouble."

My fiancee of three years broke up with me six months ago over issues of trust.  I do not begrudge her doing so.  I did some very foolish and negligent things when we were together, which Jeff and Shaunti's book have helped me to understand the full, damaging impact of.  What I wonder now is whether she and I can still be said to have a relationship of some kind and, if so, whether that relationship MIGHT be mended by following the advice of "For Men Only."

For example, would it mean anything to her for me to "pursue" her now?  Obviously, I would have to tread a fine line between loving pursuit and stalker behavior.  But one of the things I can see I didn't do nearly enough of when we were together was to pursue her.  By that I mean daily affirm her beauty, her importance to me, my love for her...declare all this and more, even if she doesn't return my affection. 

The book's example from "The Parent Trap" film keeps running through my head.  How women want to be pursued even though (and especially when) they don't say so.   My question is, does that apply only to the man they're involved with?  Or does it enable any man who does it often and sincerely and meaningfully enough to eventually BECOME the man she's "involved with?"

(Assuming, of course, she isn't married.  My ex is unmarried.)

Naturally, I don't imagine that things might be turned around in a week.  I'm thinking long-term here, as the re-establishment of trust requires.  I'm just wondering whether the situation I'm in still qualifies, to whatever degree, as a relationship--to which I might carefully apply the approaches of "For Men Only." 

Appreciate your thoughts.
heatherUser is Offline

Posts:6
06/20/2009 11:44 AM  

First of all, three years is too long to be a fiance.  If you decided to marry, why didn't you?  It's like putting groceries in your shopping cart, but not going to the cash register.  You just walked aroung the store for three years.
You may be able to win her back if you do what the book suggests SINCERELY, not "just going through the motions".  You need her to know you have made mistakes and will make an effort to improve.  Talk to her without pushing her.  Tell her what you miss about her.
BeauchampUser is Offline

Posts:4
06/20/2009 12:01 PM  
You're quite right, heather, three years is too long to be a fiancee. I should've made this clear in my original post: she and I were together for three years, but we were only engaged for one year. A wedding date was set, but was later called off.

And yes, I've become very aware of the importance of sincerity in my relations with her going forward. Thanks for your thoughts.
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