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castnblast
Posts:2
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| 07/10/2008 2:28 AM |
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I've just finished listening to the "For men only" audio CD. Overall, I believe it is excellent and I'm hopeful (and prayerful!) that it will help me to be a better husband. Lord please help me to apply it!!
There was one thing that I took exception to and I was hoping I could get some clarification from someone... In the book Jeff says something to the effect of that when my wife is sharing her "feelings" about an experience with me and I'm listening, it is wrong for me to rebut her in any way. That if I disagree with her emotional reaction to something I'm to just keep my mouth shut, regardless of whether her reaction is reasonable. If I misunderstood this please correct me.
I take exception to this because it seems more damaging to let my wife wallow in totally sinful attitudes. If I'm the spiritual leader of my house/family am I not supposed to help bring her back to the Lord when she's going down the wrong path?
For example...
my wife has a weakness in that if somebody hurts her feelings she is prone to automatically assuming that it was intentional. Let's say she learns that a group of her friends got together on a whim and she wasn't invited. She automatically assumes her friends conspired to get together without her to purposely exclude her. Her feelings are badly hurt. She'll tell me, "They all got together and nobody called me, I know Mary (her friend) did it on purpose because she didn't want me there."
Now my wife is the kind of person that always wants to make sure that EVERYONE is included. So I can see how this would be very hurtful to her. But I also know her friends and that they wouldn't intentionally hurt her feelings. So when she comes to me upset and says, "They all got together and nobody called me, I know Mary did it on purpose because she didn't want me there," am I supposed to just agree with her?? Am I supposed to agree - "yeah, they're a bunch of creeps." Because that seems totally screwy. In the past I've said something to the effect of, "Man, I'm sorry Honey, that would totally hurt my feelings too. Especially when you're always so good about making sure everybody gets an invite. But still, I know Mary pretty well and I don't think she'd purposely hurt your feelings like that. There has to be a reasonable explanation." And you know what? There always is.
If someone could clarify this for me I'd appreciate it. Thanks!!
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Julie Fidler
Posts:158
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| 07/10/2008 6:06 PM |
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Hey there,
I've worked with the book a great deal and know the content, so let me see if I can help.
Jeff did not mean that you should not offer input at all. The point he was trying to make was that, according those thousands of women they surveyed, when a husband immediately jumps in with a solution, it makes the wife feel uncared for and unheard.
Therefore, the idea is for the husband to listen first. Let your wife talk and express her feelings first and foremost. Men are prone to automatically finding a solution, whereas women are prone to automatically needing to process things emotionally.
So making a suggestion to your wife, or offering her a solution to her problem is by no means out of the question.... as long as you let her talk through her feelings, and you listen to her FIRST, fighting that urge to jump in right away with your own thoughts.
Another thing women said is that they absolutely do want their husbands to be the spiritual leader of their home. So you are right in wanting to offer that to her, as well. But men and women respond to things in vastly different ways, and hopefully this will help you respond to your wife in a way that more adequately meets her needs.
I hope this helps! Let me know if you're still unclear! 
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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castnblast
Posts:2
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| 07/11/2008 5:50 PM |
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| That helps, thanks! |
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tumbleweed
Posts:1
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| 11/18/2008 7:51 PM |
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| As a woman I could not have put this reply any better!! Thank you!! |
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janice
Posts:1
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| 11/19/2008 8:09 PM |
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| The example of a response that you gave sounds great. You listened to her feelings and responded to that first and then helped with some additional perspective. |
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Gubbles
Posts:3
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| 12/16/2008 6:32 PM |
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| awesome husband!! your wife is blessed! |
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RCinGA
Posts:3
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| 05/08/2009 7:38 AM |
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| I have a question about a difference in the two books. In FWO, there is a chapter called "The Truth About the Way You Look." You encourage women to make the effort to be appealing for their husbands. I totally agree, and have for 20 years worked to maintain an ideal weight. I was wondering why in FMO, their own physical appearance is not addressed. My DH has gained at least 40 lbs since our wedding, and it is not attractive. I wish the book had told the guys that their physique has a profound affect on their wives. Like men, we want other women to think we "did well." We want to see our husband make an effort to be healthy and strong and manly in appearance. And as the book says about men, I, as a wife, desperately want him to know and feel unable to tell him. It sounds too critical. But a double standard here is unfair. It's the same for me...if he'd take care of himself, I'd feel loved. When he won't, I feel "unvalued [sic]and unloved." |
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RCinGA
Posts:3
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| 05/08/2009 7:41 AM |
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(I just posted this as a separate topic called "Men's Appearance." Please respond there. Thank you!) -- RCinGA
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